May 05, 2003
W's Victory Speech: Gangsta Version

[Here's Bush's most recent speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln translated by Snoop Dogg's Shizzolator. Courtesy Steve Perry bushwarsblog.com. Don't ask me why this is interesting, or even if it is interesting -- silly mischief.]

Thank yo' ass, know what I'm sayin'? Thank yo' ass izzall hella much n' shit.

Admiral Kelly, Captain Card, officers 'n sailors of da USS Abraham Lincoln, my fellow Americans, major combat operations in Iraq has ended, know what I'm sayin'? In da battle of Iraq, da United States 'n izzle allies has prevailed."

And now izzle coalition is engaged in securing 'n reconstructing that country, know what I'm sayin'?

In this battle, we has fought fo' da cause of liberty 'n fo' da peace of da world." Our nation 'n izzle coalition are proud of this accomplishment, yet that shiznit is yo' ass, da members of da United States military, who achieved that shiznit n' shit. Your courage, yo' willingness face danger fo' yo' country 'n fo' each other made this day possible, know what I'm sayin'?

Because of yo' ass izzle nation is mo' secure, know what I'm sayin'? Because of yo' ass da tyrant has fallen 'n Iraq is free, know what I'm sayin'?

Perry: Bush Wars : W's Victory Address, Shizzolated

Posted by Brian Stefans at 10:25 AM
April 28, 2003
whitehouse.org: The War In Iraq Concluded, President Bush Proudly Honors The First-Ever Recipients Of The "Civilian Warmonger Medal Of Armchair Valor"

av-miller.jpg

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Welcome to the first-ever awards ceremony for the "Civilian Warmonger Medals of Armchair Valor" (view medal). I can't tell you how gonzo happy I am to personally honor these famous folks, each of whom so bravely absorbed the combat from the terrifying vantagepoint of overstuffed La-Z-Boys, feverishly pumping their crotch triggers in time to the thumping score of FOX NEWS warnography, then obediently chastising anyone who dared voice opinions that weren't in my fucking script!

Before we get to the goods though, I want to thank our corporate sponsors for providing us with this little banquet. So let's give a Texas-sized shout-out to the good folks at Pepsico's Taco Bell division! (Applause.) I'll tell you, nothing says "Mexcellence" to me like the all-new "JDAM Gordita Supreme" - guaranteed to deliver a precision-guided payload of cheez-drenched Camel Asada straight to your clammy, dimpled American ass.

And now, without further AH-DOOOO the coveted "Civilian Warmonger Medals of Armchair Valor" go to the following fearless, two-faced Americans...

Posted by Brian Stefans at 04:15 PM
Homeland Security Rules

Here's a reasonbly silly, low-tech Flash piece that shows how one suburban man is taking the fight to the... dinner table?

homeland.jpg

Posted by Brian Stefans at 10:40 AM
April 16, 2003
In Fraud We Trust (image map dollar)

I spent a lot of time try to make this thing hot clickable, but or some reason it won't work in the blog. So you have to click the dollars below, a new window will open up, and you can click through to the various web sites embedded therein.


Posted by Brian Stefans at 01:31 PM
March 21, 2003
Project for the New American Century: Statement of Principles

[This one just came in...]

We knew they were a little batty and wanting in the IQ area, but look at the people who "signed" this thing... Dean Martin? Shazaam?

Statement of Principles

Posted by Brian Stefans at 02:40 AM
March 14, 2003
Perry Anderson on assumptions

http://www.lrb.co.uk/v25/n05/print/ande01_.html

Perry Anderson, whom many will recognize from his writings in New Left Review, on the assumptions that the anti-war coaltion shares with Bush & Blair & how to think beyond them.

Posted by Ron Silliman at 08:37 PM
February 25, 2003
Daniel Bouchard: Good Times with The President

[This is a translated text from an actual White House event. See link. The laughter is real. -- DB]

THE PRESIDENT: There's a joke going round the Internet right now about my library burning down. (Laughter.) It says all the books in it were lost in the fire (laughter) -- and they were both children's books. (Laughter.) My good nature and confidence in Jesus Christ as my personal savior allow me to laugh at these harmless ribbings. (Laughter and applause.)

The truth is, I don't read books and don't respect them and have no respect for the people who do. (Laughter.) They think they're better than other people. (Laughter.) Just because someone works hard to know something about the world that can't be got on television doesn't make them better. (Laughter.) If they're so smart why aren't they president? (Laughter.)

It's a tough world today and no amount of reading is going to protect you from it. (Laughter.) Look at poetry and what poets in this country think they can do. (Laughter.) Poets don't have much to fear by way of job loss. (Laughter.) They never got hired to write poems and no one is going to fire them for writing them wrong. (Laughter.)

But what does a poet know about the real world? (Laughter.) I think we could overthrow the Iraqi leader just by dropping anthologies of awful poetry on Baghdad. (Laughter.) There's no shortage of 'em, no shortage of bad poetry here. (Laughter.) How's that for "shock and awe," read this you lousy dictator! (Laughter and applause.)

But that's why they say poetry don't make nothing happen. (Laughter.) The trouble with that plan is that it would offend the good tastes of ordinary Iraqi citizens. (Laughter.) That's why it's better simply to rain missiles upon them like nobody's business and scare the holy piss out of anyone armed with anything larger than a pocket knife. (Laughter.) If it don't kill them first, which it probably will. (Laughter and applause.)

Sure, we're going to end up killing lots of civilians. (Laughter and applause.) We're going to end up killing lots of women and children. (Laughter.) But that country has been starving and dying from simple, curable things and not having simple things like potable drinking water for more than 12 years now. (Laughter.) So let's just get this thing out of the way. (Laughter.) And that will learn them not to mess with the US! (Laughter, hoots and loud applause.)

So you look at what a poet says and it just is uncredible. (Laughter.) Like the liberals they think we just want oil. (Laughter.) This ain't about oil, it's about human rights. (Applause.) It's always been about human rights. (Laughter and applause.) We don't want the Iraqi's oil, we just want to help them administer it while the country is rebuilt. (Laughter.) But we don't want the oil for ourselves. ( Laughter.) Maybe we'll just take a handsome fee for helping them out. ( Laughter and applause.)

The other day Dick Cheney briefed me again on the international situation. He said they have weapons of mass destruction. He said the leader was a dictator. He said the people in the country were horribly oppressed. He said they had a sizable nucular program and they were a positive threat. I said, let's roll. (Laughter.) Let's get in there right now no matter what it takes. (Applause.) He said, hold on Mr. President, I'm talking about North Korea! (Laughter and applause.)

Now there's a country that might do some damage. (Laughter.) They might give us a real fight! (Laughter.) No, we don't want to fight them. (Laughter.) Diplomacy is brass knuckles by other means. (Laughter and applause.)

Now it's no secret that when I campaigned I said the most influential philosopher on me is Jesus Christ. (Standing applause.) And I believe it's prayer that helps people, not reading. (Applause.) So I'm going to share this prayer with you that a young child who suffers from many disadvantages sent me. (Laughter.) It comes from the great American poet Sam Twain. (Laughter.) And it's what America needs today to see us through this time of challenge:

"O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; [Laughter] help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; [Laughter] help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, [Laughter and applause ] writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes [Laughter] with a hurricane of fire; [Laughter] help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; [Laughter] help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land [Laughter] in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, [Laughter] worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it-for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes,[Laughter] blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, [Laughter] make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! [Laughter and applause] We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is ever-faithful refuge and friend [Laughter] of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts," ...but especially Americans! Amen. [Laughter and long applause ]

Now what Mr. Twain don't know the Pentagon understands. ( Laughter.) Those miserable survivors are going to be welcomed into the loving arms of America.(Laughter.) That's the spirit of your cause, and ours. (Laughter.) I thank each of you for all you have contributed. ( Laughter.) It will be repaid many times over, in lives of new achievement and lives of new hope. Thank you, and God bless. (Applause.)

(Crowd applauds, begins chanting... "U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A!!....)

Posted by Brian Stefans at 10:10 AM
February 24, 2003
Unmanned Aerial President Crashes on Korean Peninsula

March 8, 2041

WASHINGTON DC--Citing what Northrop Grumman engineers have identified as a flaw in specially designed navigation software, spokespeople for the Presidential Cabinet confirmed late Wednesday that the 53rd President of the United States, the first entirely autonomous, mechanical, airborne leader in the western world, has crashed and is likely unrecoverable. "This is a black day for America," noted a solemn administration spokeswoman. "But it may also be a day of great courage. The American people took a great leap forward when they elected [the President]; may we not now retreat from that great vision."

The President, widely known by his Northrop development codename "Skipper," was reportedly surveilling the former Korean De-Militarized Zone when a software flaw led him to "invert" positioning data he received from a network of satellites and ground-based antennae. "Though specific details of the mishap are certainly classified, we can say that a sudden, systematic mis-transformation of positioning data lead the President to believe that up was down and down was up," explains an unidentified Northrop engineer. "He lost compass and got locked into a fatal feedback flightpath. The closer he got to the ground, the higher he tried to fly, bringing him closer to the ground until he crashed at an apparently high velocity."

A controversial figure since his election last year, President Skipper gained the confidence of the American people after taking quick, decisive action against a rogue satellite many feared equipped with legacy nuclear weapons. "Nothing beats a President capable of extra-atmospheric sorties with his own air-to-air missiles," boasts Admiral Wayne Nubbs, head of the U.S. Joint Chiefs. "He's got high-powered lasers mounted right on his head. No traditional leader can compete with that."

Though popular for his daring, low-orbit exploits and courageous penetration of foreign, hostile airspace, the President faced mounting pressure at home to reign in military spending and address perennial domestic problems. "Skipper faced some understandable skepticism when it came to military spending," opines Katherine Zahone, Executive Director of the non-partisan BudgetScope. "Though he was elected by the American people, he was built by major military contractors. That was a real political liability, no question about it."

Scheduled to be sworn in over the weekend, the Vice President, codenamed "Little Boy," though little-used over the past year, is reportedly prepared to assume official Presidential duties. "It's true he hasn't seen much action," noted a Northrop engineer during a January New York Times interview. "To be frank, we've basically been using him to make toast and heat up coffee. But he's got every capability that the Skipper's got. With 45 minutes' notice we can scramble the Cabinet and he can be airborne with the latest intelligence and a full payload."

link

Posted by Brian Stefans at 08:18 PM
February 19, 2003
Pooflags Campaign

pooflag.jpg

From the UK Indymedia site:

Poo-Flags Campaign

Since American foreign policy sucks, how about this for a spot of creative dissent:

Every time you see a dog-poo on the pavement, stick a little American flag in it to protest against the looming war. Get in touch for full-colour printable U.S. flags bearing the slogan "AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY".

Simply:


  • Cut them out
  • Glue them around cocktail sticks (Pritt-Stick or similar works fine)
  • Stick them in the poos of your choice (see attached example photograph - sorry, slightly blurry due to laughter)

Hey presto! It's quick, it's eye-catching, and it sends a clear message.

Email your full postal address to poo-flags@end-war.com, and pre-printed flags will be sent to you, or ask us for an A4 jpeg you can print out yourself ...

Anyone who emails photos of 5 successfully-flagged poos to poo-flags@end-war.com will receive a free "WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION" t-shirt. When submitting photos, please state the street name and town where your poo was flagged, to assist in monitoring distribution.

A poo-flags website is currently under development. This is planned to feature flag downloads, a gallery of submitted photos, and a map of flag distribution. Until then, get poo-flagging, and please distribute this article to your friends -- press coverage is within reach!

And remember - it's not disgusting, it's revolting.

Posted by Darren Wershler-Henry at 01:38 PM