Daniel Bouchard: Good Times with The President

[This is a translated text from an actual White House event. See link. The laughter is real. -- DB]

THE PRESIDENT: There's a joke going round the Internet right now about my library burning down. (Laughter.) It says all the books in it were lost in the fire (laughter) -- and they were both children's books. (Laughter.) My good nature and confidence in Jesus Christ as my personal savior allow me to laugh at these harmless ribbings. (Laughter and applause.)

The truth is, I don't read books and don't respect them and have no respect for the people who do. (Laughter.) They think they're better than other people. (Laughter.) Just because someone works hard to know something about the world that can't be got on television doesn't make them better. (Laughter.) If they're so smart why aren't they president? (Laughter.)

It's a tough world today and no amount of reading is going to protect you from it. (Laughter.) Look at poetry and what poets in this country think they can do. (Laughter.) Poets don't have much to fear by way of job loss. (Laughter.) They never got hired to write poems and no one is going to fire them for writing them wrong. (Laughter.)

But what does a poet know about the real world? (Laughter.) I think we could overthrow the Iraqi leader just by dropping anthologies of awful poetry on Baghdad. (Laughter.) There's no shortage of 'em, no shortage of bad poetry here. (Laughter.) How's that for "shock and awe," read this you lousy dictator! (Laughter and applause.)

But that's why they say poetry don't make nothing happen. (Laughter.) The trouble with that plan is that it would offend the good tastes of ordinary Iraqi citizens. (Laughter.) That's why it's better simply to rain missiles upon them like nobody's business and scare the holy piss out of anyone armed with anything larger than a pocket knife. (Laughter.) If it don't kill them first, which it probably will. (Laughter and applause.)

Sure, we're going to end up killing lots of civilians. (Laughter and applause.) We're going to end up killing lots of women and children. (Laughter.) But that country has been starving and dying from simple, curable things and not having simple things like potable drinking water for more than 12 years now. (Laughter.) So let's just get this thing out of the way. (Laughter.) And that will learn them not to mess with the US! (Laughter, hoots and loud applause.)

So you look at what a poet says and it just is uncredible. (Laughter.) Like the liberals they think we just want oil. (Laughter.) This ain't about oil, it's about human rights. (Applause.) It's always been about human rights. (Laughter and applause.) We don't want the Iraqi's oil, we just want to help them administer it while the country is rebuilt. (Laughter.) But we don't want the oil for ourselves. ( Laughter.) Maybe we'll just take a handsome fee for helping them out. ( Laughter and applause.)

The other day Dick Cheney briefed me again on the international situation. He said they have weapons of mass destruction. He said the leader was a dictator. He said the people in the country were horribly oppressed. He said they had a sizable nucular program and they were a positive threat. I said, let's roll. (Laughter.) Let's get in there right now no matter what it takes. (Applause.) He said, hold on Mr. President, I'm talking about North Korea! (Laughter and applause.)

Now there's a country that might do some damage. (Laughter.) They might give us a real fight! (Laughter.) No, we don't want to fight them. (Laughter.) Diplomacy is brass knuckles by other means. (Laughter and applause.)

Now it's no secret that when I campaigned I said the most influential philosopher on me is Jesus Christ. (Standing applause.) And I believe it's prayer that helps people, not reading. (Applause.) So I'm going to share this prayer with you that a young child who suffers from many disadvantages sent me. (Laughter.) It comes from the great American poet Sam Twain. (Laughter.) And it's what America needs today to see us through this time of challenge:

"O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; [Laughter] help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; [Laughter] help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, [Laughter and applause ] writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes [Laughter] with a hurricane of fire; [Laughter] help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; [Laughter] help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land [Laughter] in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, [Laughter] worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it-for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes,[Laughter] blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, [Laughter] make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! [Laughter and applause] We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is ever-faithful refuge and friend [Laughter] of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts," ...but especially Americans! Amen. [Laughter and long applause ]

Now what Mr. Twain don't know the Pentagon understands. ( Laughter.) Those miserable survivors are going to be welcomed into the loving arms of America.(Laughter.) That's the spirit of your cause, and ours. (Laughter.) I thank each of you for all you have contributed. ( Laughter.) It will be repaid many times over, in lives of new achievement and lives of new hope. Thank you, and God bless. (Applause.)

(Crowd applauds, begins chanting... "U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A!!....)

Posted by Brian Stefans at February 25, 2003 10:10 AM